A serious jester in the precincts of power.
One Line Bio
Dungeon Master to the Stars
Orphaned at an early age. The Happy Tutor was raised by Jesuits who taught him to master himself and others through mortification of the flesh. Having run away at age 11, The Tutor is entirely self-educated, having learned literature and philosophy through text books scavenged from a dumpster behind the local High School.
The Happy Tutor has risen in the world by his own efforts unaided. After peddling his fanny to all comers from age 11 to 21, he sank to life insurance sales in Birmingham, AL before rising through the ranks to becomes Chief Dungeon Master, at Wealth Bondage in Dallas, TX. In that capacity, he provides pro bono morals coaching (Over the Knee) to the Rich and Famous.
His Dumpster in the parking lot of Wealth Bondage.
"When I was a kid roaming the streets, I didn't have any money to go to the movies like the rich kids did. So I used to go down to the city dump on Saturday nights and shoot rats with a 22. That was the beginning of my interest in giving back to Society."
The Nature of Wealth Bondage
Wealth Bondage is reality as we know it. There is no "outside" of Wealth Bondage. The Happy Tutor is a Fetish Action Figure. He and all other Characters on this site are Fictions as allowed by law. Wealth Bondage is a satire in the Augustan Tradition. All references to Bondage, Spanking, Beatings, Branding, the Stocks, Pillory, Wheel, Guillotine, or to Dominance and Submission are to be taken as Allegories of life in a Free Society provided as a courtesy of Wealth Bondage. For a real beating consult your own Professional Advisors. In case of mucous discharge, or unexplained welts or rash consult your Immediate Superior.
The Purpose of Wealth Bondage
Wealth Bondage is a work of Art in the tradition of Rabelais, Martial, Erasmus, Dryden, Swift, Pope, and John Gay. As such, WB may engage from time to time in non-literal speech. Wealth Bondage is provided for the delight and instruction of our Consumers.
Binding One-Way Opt Out
Certain Personal Services of Wealth Bondage are provided at the sole discretion of The Happy Tutor. Subject to the terms of the binding one-way opt out, acceptance of the service is mandatory at the option of The Happy Tutor. If the option is not exercised, the service is prohibited.
By entering this site the reader agrees to hold Wealth Bondage harmless. The reader acknowledges that as a work of art Wealth Bondage may employ from time to time various literary devices, including but not limited to metaphor, allusion, conceits, symbolism, soliloquey, dramatis personae and hidden meaning for the sole purpose of the reader's moral instruction and reform. However, the risks inherent in such an effort are great, and the outcome is always uncertain. There are no guarantees that the reader's habits and morals will be improved, nor that the reader's self-esteem will remain undamaged. Many readers report that self-loathing rises with self-knowledge. For some the suffering may be eternal. Wealth Bondage makes no prediction as to the outcome of any given case.
Fair Use by Natural Persons
Art like advertising belongs to the people. We can sing a jingle without royalties. Many words and phrases are not yet trademarked. Brand names are in the public domain if used for ordering product. We can repeat jokes without paying overrides. Even prayer is free. As The Happy Tutor has imitated the Ancients, so you may appropriate his work within the limits of Fair use.
Fair Use by Non-Natural Persons
Wealth Bondage promotes open communication between natural and non-natural persons. So, as a Marketer, or PR Expert, or Attorney, employed by a non-natural person, go ahead and read and enjoy. You can even learn stuff about prose style from us. You may use those skills, but only for noncommercial purposes, and only if the material you create is approved by us in advance, which it will not be, so do not bother asking.
The Master Contract
By entering Wealth Bondage you have agreed to all terms and conditions of the Master Contract.
Video of Disclaimer
Directed and produced by J. Alva Scruggs for the Painstream Media.
One Line Bio
An Honors Graduate of the George Mason Institute for Advanced Studies, Ms. Chastity Powers joins Wealth Bondage to blog the upbeat side of the news. Chastity began her career with CNN pointing at maps. After a stint at FOX News, as an on-air talent, she rose to be Editor in Chief of Time Magazine, and other franchise media properties, before joining The Rooster Foundation, as Executive Director. (Rooster welcomes the new dawn of American Culture -- When we crow, up comes the Sun!)
Come on everybody! There is just so much good going on in the world. Let's all keep our pecker up, and be the best we can be! Here's a special shout out to all my bud's at GMU's Institute for Advanced Studies.
Wealth Bondage is pervasive, the horizon within which postmodern life, in every aspect, appears to us as a Market. Wealth Bondage is:
A Bondage Bordello owned and operated by Mistress Candidia Cruikshanks.
The evening news with Chastity Powers
A law firm or a think tank employing Smoky Joe
A Private School for the Gifted, starring Miss Proctor, WB 'O3
A dumpster, home of the Happy Tutor and his faithful companion, the well known wit about town, Dick Minim.
Wealth Bondage is socially constructed, naturally. Wealth Bondage is the basis of all domestic and foreign policy. Wealth Bondage is a well kept secret. Wealth Bondage is hidden in plain sight. Wealth Bondage is a Bordello for persons of Wealth. Wealth Bondage is a morality play. Wealth Bondage is the neoliberal consensus. Wealth Bondage is Freedom. Wealth Bondage is slavery. Wealth Bondage is ordered liberty. Wealth Bondage owns the human genome. Wealth Bondage owns art. Wealth Bondage owns our laughter. Wealth Bondage is the hidden hand. Wealth Bondage has our best interests at heart. Wealth Bondage is the measuring and managing all of things, tangible and intangible. Wealth Bondage is Rapture Ready. Wealth Boondage is the court of final appeal. Wealth Bondage takes no prisoners and makes no apologies. Wealth Bondage contains a few bad apples. Wealth Bondage contains Jesus and the Bible. Wealth Bondage makes commonsense. Wealth Bondage makes us Free. Wealth Bondage makes us rich. Wealth Bondage governs all. Wealth Bondage is Biblical. Wealth Bondage is the Alpha and Omega. Wealth Bondage contains the environment, the commons, and the holy spirit. Wealth Bondage is memory and forgetfullness. Wealth Bondage is not for sale, for it is through Wealth Bondage that all things are for sale. Wealth Bondage contains the market. Wealth Bondage is everywhere and nowhere, visible and invisible, inherent in all things. Wealth Bondage is who we are, where we are, whenever we are, whatever we are. Wealth Bondage is the air we breath. There is no 'outside' of wealth bondage. For it is all wealth bondage, after all. All things on heaven and earth rest in Wealth Bondage. The limits of Wealth Bondage are the limits of our world. Wealth Bondage is our collective imagination. Wealth Bondage is the One and the Many; Wealth Bondage is the Brand of all Brands. Bow to Wealth Bondage. Wealth Bondage is the end of history. Wealth Bondage is the new American Century. Wealth Bondage is whatever you want it to be, subject to Candidia's approval.
Wealth Bondage is Mardi Gras, Carnival, a Ship of Fools. Wealth Bondage is a Festival, a Coming Out Party, a Debutantte Ball, a Charity Event, a refuge and a sanctuary. Wealth Bondage is life seen from a dumpster. For questions, or to arrange a personal spanking, please contact The Happy Tutor, Bondage Master to the Stars.
Missy Proctor, WB Class of '03, is the daughter to Admiral Harlan Proctor, a WB Old Boy, Class of '71. Her mother, Juanita Proctor, was the former Miss Nude Miami Beach. Missy serves as the Affirmative Action Coordinator for Wealth Bondage, and also as the Coach of Girl's Field Hockey.
I am a child of privilege who needs discipline daily. I have an excellent education (Rosemary Hall and Mount Holyoke), an 8 room condo on Central Park, and a horse farm in CT. Daddy is sort of a celebrity. Mommy-Bitch #6 is a model from Argentina. ("Ooooh, Baby...." is all she can say.)
I am looking for a guy with a recent prison record for something armed and dangerous. Prefer Black, but will consider Hispanic, or a lower class white guy in a uniform, or any hard-body with a hard-hat.You think you are so tough, but I'll bet you can't make me do anything at all.
Smoky Joe, JD, is a Senior Wealth Bondage Good Fellow and Executive Director of Rooster Foundation:
Crowing in the New American Century. He a devoted servant of wealth both on K-Street as a lobbyist for Wealth Bondage and more recently as policy intellectual promoting compassionate conservatism through lower taxes and voluntary giving. While a former associate of Jack Abramoff, Joe has done nothing illegal. In fact the rules governing think tanks and lobbying were written by Joe and passed by a complaisant Congress.
Joe was educated in Great Books at the University of Chicago, before taking his Juris Doctor degree from Georgetown Law School.
Smoky Joe, the Man
On his own time, Smoky Joe gives back to our community through his investment of time, money and personal passion in SmokingHunks.com, a for-profit social venture with a double bottom line: profit and social good. Through Smoking Hunks, Joe has helped hundreds of boys and young men of working class origins achieve their full potential as Smoking Thespians.
"Better to take a moment to teach a young person how to blow smoke up his own ass, than to spend a lifetime doing it for him."
Captain Blowtorch dropped out of Colleyville High, where he is remembered as President of The High Torquer Club. He lives with his wife, her sister and their 12 children in trailer just south of Jasper, TX. He is a certified motorcyle mechanic, and serves as Road Master with The Hogs of Heaven. He is an ordained minister holding Sabbath in the Primitive Christian Church of the Pines.
Bow down, Brother; its payback time. You Yankees cry like little girls when I show you the chains. Liberals are a bigger threat to America than Osama bin Laden. The enemy lies witin!
One Line Bio
Venture Capitalist and Social Venture Partner, CEO of Wealth Bondage
A Social Venture Entrepreneur and Philanthropist, Candidia has built and bankrupted entire industries, squandered billions, thrown millions out of work, and achieved in the process a vast personal fortune.
A graduate of Harvard Business School, Candidia heads Heavenly Choir, Inc., investing in Sustainable Social Ventures with a double bottom line. Her current portfolio includes Lady Chocolate, making and marketing a line of organic candy through boutique retailers; Cosmotic Soap developed from seaweed to tone and tighten skin dehydrated by airline travel; and Optima Child Care, a chain of Day Care Centers provided as an amenity by Gated Communities.
Candy is a member of the Philanthropy Round Table. She grooms Politicians, Journalists, and Religious Leaders for a life of public service. Mistress Cruikshanks is Founder and CEO of Rooster Foundation, Crowing in the New American Century.
In Her Own Words
I have $1 bil and a fucking Harvard MBA. What do you have, little man?